


The Very Heart of Love

by Jafars_apologist



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Racism, Roger doesn't exist in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:01:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25225750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jafars_apologist/pseuds/Jafars_apologist
Summary: Brianna doesn't want to get married in Riverrun. Her heart is taken by her servant - but there are so many issues in the way.
Relationships: Brianna Randall Fraser/Phaedra Cameron
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	The Very Heart of Love

Oddly, the sight filled Brianna with peace.  
It shouldn't. It wouldn't, if the circumstances weren't as they were.  
Given that they were, seeing lord John Grey stick his penis up another man's arse brought her peace.

It was a secret, of course. No one but Pheadra, her servant and confidant, knew the emotional turmoil that coursed through Brianna those last months. And yet, a brief look through her sketchbook would tell a curious stranger all they needed to know. She knew this, and kept it in a locked box by her bed, swearing that the drawings were nothing but therapeutic, no storytelling involved.  
A stranger would, had they found both the key and the box, first see paintings of landscapes. Brianna was wise to christen the notebook gifted to her by her aunt with calm, seemingly meaningless paintings of the main house in Riverrun, the plantations, the surrounding hills and lake. This stranger had to be determined to understand Brianna if they were to move on to the next pages.  
Next they would see the opposite of calm. Heavy strokes of coal would describe a lean face, a scar next to the right eye, mouth curved upwards in a sickening smile. They would see Brianna herself, her belly growing, and inside it the same face of the man. The stranger could guess, due to the slight curving of the lines, that she was trembling strongly while painting the last piece.  
After that picture they would see several pages angrily crossed out, the lines covering all that could be expressed underneath them.  
Turning another page, the stranger would see Phaedra. The morning light bouncing through the window onto her dark skin, her headcover askew as she looks curiously at the painter. In the next pages - more pictures of Phaedra. Smiling, sitting on the bed with Brianna, a drawing of the back of two girls holding hands, one dark skinned and the other fair skinned. There had been what could've been a drawing of Brianna kissing Phaedra, had Brianna not felt bad about drawing such forbidden - yet, to her, sacred - image without requesting permission from the other girl, and so it was a sketch of Brianna kissing the air.  
The last sketch a stranger would see was a hurried line-up of men, as one would see in crime shows had those existed at the time. Most of the men's faces were crossed out angrily, with short remarks written underneath them - old, smells bad, came with his mom, creepy. Only one of them wasn't crossed out, and underneath his face Brianna now had the joy of scribbling "gay".

Phaedra woke Brianna up the day after the dinner party. So much swirled in Brianna's head - the betrayal she felt at her aunt trying to force her into marriage, the great discomfort being near Gerald Forbes brought her, the discovery of lord John's nightly activities. She wanted to tell Phaedra all of it, but the other woman seemed to be in greater distress.  
"Yer aunt wishes for ye te join her in the parlor," Pheadra said with an air of urgency. "I'm te dress ye in something especially becoming. Mister Forbes is there, waiting to ask fer yer hand in marriage - yer aunt blessed the union." Pheadra's voice broke in the last few words and she grabbed onto the chair for support.  
"Of course she did," Brianna remarked. "Hey, Pheadra, tell me what's wrong?" Her tone was soft, her hand reaching forward to the other woman.  
Pheadra's gaze lingered on the outstretched hand, but she didn't move.  
"He's no a good match for ye, mistress, if ye don't mind hearing my opinion," she said tentatively.  
"I don't," Brianna said, lifting herself to sit at the edge of the bed, closer to the other woman. "Care to explain why?"  
"Well, he's too old!" Pheadra started. "And… if ye go wi' him ye'll have te leave Riverrun." Her gaze was trained on the floor as if something would jump out of the carpet, her voice soft as a whisper.  
"Shouldn't you be happy to have less work?" Brianna said. She kept her voice calm, a trait she learned from her father - well, from Frank - but she could feel her heart beating fast enough to make her dizzy.  
"Ye're no work. Not fer me," Phaedra finally raised her gaze to meet Brianna's. "Ye're my favourite mistress, mistress. If ye don't mind me saying."  
Brianna smiled. "I don't want to be your mistress," she confessed.  
"So ye want te marry the lawyer?" Pheadra's voice seemed disappointed.  
"I don't want that either, though I should get dressed," Brianna remarked and reached for her bodice, which Phaedra hurried to lace for her. The soft feeling of her fingers on Brianna's back were enough to make her blush.  
"I would like to be something more," she confessed. "More than a mistress to you. A friend, maybe."  
Pheadra finished lacing the bodice and came to face the redhead.  
"'Tis not allowed, mistress. Ye ken I'm but a slave."  
"I know the rules. I just said what I wanted."  
"Well, I canna give it to ye," Pheadra determined as she passed Brianna her bumroll. "If ye were te tire of me, ye could simply have me executed. I canna have a friendship like that. 'Tis no safe," She avoided Brianna's gaze again.  
Brianna sighed. "You're right," she said, mostly to herself. "What if I ask my aunt to release you? As a wedding gift for me. Will you be my friend then?"  
"I canna leave my mother here alone," Pheadra replied, tying Brianna's shoelaces.  
"But would you want to be my friend, if the conditions allowed it?"  
Phaedra stood up to look Brianna in the eyes.  
"No," she said after a moment of consideration. "If we're honest wi' each other, mistress Brianna, that would no be enough fer me."  
It all happened in an instant. One moment Brianna was reaching out her hand to touch Pheadra's cheek tenderly, and the next she was laying on her side, Pheadra's face engulfed between her palms, their lips smashed together like they would never part.  
"Dinna marry that man," Pheadra pleaded when they parted. "Stay wi' me. We'll keep it a secret." A single tear streamed down the darker girl's cheek and Brianna caught it with her finger.  
"No," she said softly, feeling her partner recoile, but she held onto her. "No, you were right. This power imbalance between us… I wouldn't feel comfortable holding you in my arms, knowing you don't have the power to leave them if you wish. I'll ask for you as a wedding gift from my aunt and release you."  
"Dinna marry!" Pheadra repeated.  
"I have a plan," Brianna reassured her. "I need you to tell my aunt I went for my morning walk when you came, and then tell lord John to meet me in the garden. Discreetly. I'll explain everything afterwards, okay?"  
Pheadra nodded, a determined look in her eyes. She bravely gave the redhead another kiss before rising.  
"I wanted ye since ye arrived," she said. "Even though two lasses in love is wrong. I canna wait te be yer's, Brianna."  
"I can't wait for you to be you own's, first," Brianna replied and squeezed the other girl's hand. "Another one for good luck?"  
With another kiss and a giggle, Pheadra left.

The first thing she said to him was "I don't have much time."  
"I can see, what, five months now?" He responded with a wink. Her exparsed expression was so much like Jamie's… and like Willie's, he noted to himself.  
"Lord John, will you marry me?"  
He had to hold himself from chuckling. When her gaze didn't falter and it was clear she was serious, his expression became serious as well.  
"I don't believe this is what your father meant when he asked me to look in on you," he tried the humorous approach again. It yealded very much the same result.  
"Please, John. I'm serious."  
He placed a gentle hand on her arm. "Can't it be any other suitor?" He tried.  
She shook her head. "You can't refuse my offer," she said coldly. "I saw what you did last night with one of my… alleged suitors. If you refuse to marry me, I'll tell everyone. I'll send letters to the governor of every county."  
His eyes widened with terror. "You wouldn't. My life would be ruined."  
She took a moment to rethink her strategy. He was happy to see that although she had her mother's sharp attitude, she also had her father's mercy.  
"I'll tell Jamie then," she said.  
"That's assuming he doesn't already know," he caught her by surprise. "Let's have a sit."  
Sitting next to her on a bench, both looking forward and not at eachother, it was easier to talk openly.  
"I don't mind that you're… fond of men," she started. "And I wouldn't have told anyone. I just… Mr Forbes is in the parlor waiting to ask for my hand, and my aunt assures me I'm in no position to say no, but I can't imagine living next to this creep even one night, not to mention a lifetime. You wouldn't have to live with me, you know. We can each persue our own happiness."  
He nodded. "This is the reason I can't marry you, my dear," he said.  
"Because you love my father? That's why you imagined him in the forest, isn't it?"  
John took a long breath of air before responding. "Yes, I'm fond of your father, but when I see him, I see your mother as well. The contentment, the easy joy they have between them. There's a man out there who can give that to you, Brianna. I can't be the one to deprive you of it."  
She snorted. "You're not the only homosexual on the planet," she said.  
He stared at her with confusion, not familiar with the word.  
"I mean to say, no, there isn't a man for me out there. There's a woman, and I found her, but I need to marry nevertheless. I just thought you could find a man who makes you happy, and then we could all be happy. Or at least, I can assure my child is not a bastard."  
John didn't respond for a moment, and as Brianna looked at him she could see the wheels rolling in his head.  
"I didn't know there were women," he mumbled.  
"Well, that's your fault. Use some sense, John."  
He smiled. "You are suggesting a beneficial arrangement," he agreed.  
"And I won't take any of your money. I'll sign a paper saying so - "  
"That won't be necessary, you are my friend's daughter and my ally in this… secret. And of course, you are the mother of my child," he continued. Brianna smiled brightly at him, her smile as thankful and surprised as her father's was when he took Willie under his wing. John has resigned himself to solve every problem the Frasers will face that day, but he didn't know it would require his hand in marriage.

There was no bigger joy than telling Jocasta and Mr Forbes the news, seeing the surprise in her eyes and the bitter disappointment in his. That was until Brianna got a chance to tell an excited Pheadra that Jocasta agreed to her request of a wedding present of both Pheadra and her mother at lord John's insistence - he soothed the aunt's worry that Brianna would not get very far in life with such an expensive taste by saying he was hoping and able to provide for her every need, expensive as it may be. Pheadra bounced on the bed with excitement and for the first time, didn't leave after helping Brianna undress.  
"Can I touch yer belly, mistress Brianna?" She asked, her hand halfway to said belly.  
"If we want this to work, you have to stop calling me mistress. Call me Bree, and I'll call you Phey," Brianna insisted. The other woman nodded and Brianna brought her hand to her baby bump.  
"I would like to raise him wi' ye," Pheadra confessed. "I ken 'tis no traditional."  
Brianna's face filled with more light than Pheadra has ever seen, her smile wide and her eyes glinting.  
"It's more than I can hope for," she said. "For my baby to have two parents who love him and each other."  
That night, Pheadra left Brianna's room with a smile, only to be summoned back a few minutes later by Lizzie. "The mistress asks for ye te stay in the room wi' her and help her sleep," Lizzie said, and Phaedra's heart bounced with joy.  
"Phey?" Brianna asked when the door opened. "I didn't mean to summon you like that, I just needed you to have an alibi… would you like to share my bed?"  
Pheadra was halfway under the blanket by the time Brianna finished speaking. "Of course, my Bree."  
Brianna smiled again and snuggled against Pheadra. That night, sleeping with her lover's arm over her belly, hearing her breathing softly against her neck, Brianna didn't feel alone, scared or violated. She was no longer helpless and abandoned in a hostile world she didn't understand. She was loved, she was cared for.  
She had hope.


End file.
